'FIELD NEWS

In sports, the Goon Squad, the top rated intramural 12-inch softball team at UIS handed some other shitty team their final loss of the season. The final score of 17-11 is not indicative of the skill with which the Goons stomped the shitty team. The Goon Squad, playing with only 7 players, defeated a capable team with sharp liners through the gaps and mammouth blasts over the empty heads of the opposing outfielders. Starting 3rd Baseman Joe Maratto had this to say about the win: "I think I'll get a spicy chicken from Wendy's..." The Goon Squad didn't care about the score. They revelled in the comradery and shit-talking that composes intramural sports. Mere scoring does not sufficiently defuse the veral desire to murder the hope of opposing teams. Some loser had this to say about his team: "We really thought we had a chance, then they won. We felt dumb."

The fans knew they were witnessing something special when Goon shortstop Mike Fitzpatrick hit a hard groundball off the shin of an unsuspecting opponent. The shin had this to say: "What the fuck is wrong with this team! They practice all the time! Exercised! Lifted Weights! AND I GET HIT!!!! USe the fucking MITT you mediocre piles of fat-lady shit!! If you suck at sports, DON'T FORM A FUCKING TEAM!! This team needs a fucking labotomy and I need some ice, good day to you."

Overall, The Intramural Champion Goon Squad went 6-1, with the only loss coming as a forfeit due to hangovers. We expect great things from this up and coming squad of drunken, athletic jackasses.