NOSTALGIA

This blog was birthed through a discomfort and utter hatred for this hick ass town. It has evolved into a reactive biopic...enter some freaks of nature:

5 Chain Restaurant Lovers: Springfield is heavily peppered with chain restaurants, but blanketed with love for them. I don't get it. The food is mediocre and the menus are similar, yet Springfieldians sprint towards a scintillating Chili's and the pristine decadence of Baker's Square. It reminds me of Lemmings following each other over the edge of a fucking cliff.

4 Creepy Kind Guy: I am 23 years old. I associate with those of like mind. I feel that most 23 year olds submerged under a college atmosphere understand...jokes... They might not take everything so seriously. They may trash their manners in the presence of other like-minded fun mongers...but not here. Last Monday, my roomates and I test-ran a newly discovered bar not far from campus. Upon arrival, a classmate greets me. I introduce him to my roomates. This 23 year old introduces himself: "Hello, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." I laughed because I thought he was kidding. One roomate was wearing a shitty baseball cap with the name Hank on it (his name is not Hank), and the other a tattered Blackhawks tee. They weren't wearing suits or tuxes. I wonder what he'd be like drunk? Would he say things like, "This beer has been slightly filling, but altogether tasty and enjoyable. I would recommend this beer to friends and relatives, even though it is detrimental to physical health." I might retort with a beer spillage and say, "Shut up, you suck."

3. Foosball Spinners: anyone who spins while playing foosball. This is for girls.

2 Loudmouth Incompetent: This girl's mouth should be placed in a foster home and abused. With every breath she can muster, she tries to make a logical point. She sounds like she's having imaginary debates when she talks. She says things like, "The issue at hand is..." and "therefore..." followed by uninteresting conclusions. Example: "The issue at hand is that the car company was going bankrupt, therefore they had little money left." No shit. Was she raised by John Madden? "The team that scores the most points is the team that'll win this game." Thanks John, your repulsive love-child is annoying me.

1. HORSESHOES: Springfield boasts its orginality and innovation through its inventiopn of the Horseshoe. If unfamiliar, the horseshoe is a sandwich bun topped with random meats (bbq/buffalo chicken, beef, etc.). Then, to induce heart-halt, its douched in gross, canned cheese. They give you forks and knives, but you can drink the horseshoe just as easily. This is fucking gross and indicative of a nations's battle with obesity. When I see small children eating this crap I die inside.