Sling Spidey to the Curb
There is no doubt that everyone has been eagerly awaiting the third installment of the Spider-Man series, if not only to see the special effects and intense battle scenes blah blah blah... Richard Roeper called Spider Man 2 the best superhero sequel ever made, and I agree, but I regret to inform whoever reads this that the third attempt was a step above pisspoor to put it mildly. Practically everything that made the first two Spider Man films more than just eye candy was lost in this film. The running time was 2 hours and 20 minutes...of Hell...
***SEMI-SPOILER ALERT***
Where to begin...well let's start with Kirsten Dunst and her singing debut. It was awful...and the audience is subjected it to it twice. It was a little funny to see her fired from her Broadway job because of it, but it was too sharp a fall from the dramatic glory she achieved in Spidey 2 for me to confirm any linear logic.
Of course, Mary Jane's hard times are juxtaposed against the rising citywide fame of Spider-Man, which turns her into a pathetic, jealous, self-pitying basket case who I personally wanted to see die as fast as possible...
But how would she die? She would have to die at the hands of some pretty lame, non-manacing, also self-pitying villains. Let's take Harry/Hobgoblin Jr., who after his brief stint as a decent villain, conveniently gets AMNESIA and rekindles an almost repressed manlove for Peter. Harry then remembers his true calling as a villain and tries to kill Peter. He subsequently has a crisis of conscience and turns good AGAIN to help Peter battle the other two popcorn villains: Sandman and Venom.
Sandman's back story is dumb - he steals money to help his daughter dying of some pretentious disease. Parker has no problem hating him because he was identified as his Uncle Ben's real killer, not the bleach-blonde, spiky haired, chachball that Spider-Man killed in part one. I have no problem hating him because he is played by Thomas Haden Church, who gained very little notoriety on Wings, and a lot of notoriety from his mediocre performance in Sideways. Sandman eventually cries and repents his sins to Spidey after trying to crush him with his gigantic sand-fist...
Sandman is eventually joined by Venom, who is played by none other than Topher Grace...the uber-nerd from That 70's Show. Not only does Venom take over 2 hours to materialize from Eddie Brock, but he's only given about 5 minutes to be scary...and he fails miserably. It's Topher Grace...enough said. Oh...and due to a lost photographic rivalry with Peter Parker at the Daily Bugle, Eddie Brock attends church and prays that Peter Parker dies. Cry me a river.
Finally, let's get to Spidey. I wasn't a huge fan of Tobey Maguire as Spidey in the beginning, but he surprised me when he successfully portrayed both a hopeless nerd and an intimidating, web-slinging crime-fighter. In this film, though, his character adds a third dimension that Tobey cannot pull off - emo child. At one point in the movie, Parker undergoes a personality/fashion makeover and struts and dances like a frigging idiot. He spins, he twirls, he throws high fives at randoms on the street, he does the "Hey beautiful" point at ladies...its a fucking mess.
The only thing I really enjoyed about this movie was the absolutely stunning Bryce Dallas Howard who plays Peter's brief alternate love interest, but eventually that pissed me off too because I couldn't figure out how she came from someone who looks like this...
Oh well. Nice try, Hollywood. I guess I'll have to wait for Transformers.
posted by Eater @ 4:58 AM
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