Where Have all the Dart Players Gone?

I played darts tonight against the most worthy opponent in Springfield. This opponent just happened to be a femalion. I killed her in cricket, but she understood the rules and hit a mark or two a round. Why can't people play darts in the 'Field? I have a theory. I really do believe that incest is rampant in southern states, I know this is not a southern state since its still ILL-INI, but this feels south. The inbreeding here has mutated the human genetic hand-eye coordination gene and made into mongaloidic. These inbred organisms throw darts like Timmy from South Park. The only person seemingly interested in playing was some volleyball girl I met tonight, and although she lost, she won my heart. On a more interesting note, I discovered an amazing fact and I may patent it...if you suck on a breath mint while drinking beer, you can drink faster. It was proven tonight by me, who did not wanna drink at all until trying a Certs. Upon Certing, I chugged a beer and it tasted like water. Chemists rejoice in unison. Try it, live it, love it, but only in the company of friends who won't write on you. Good Night....and Good Luck.

Ludicrous Speed

So...yet another rediculous occurrence in the tornado ridden blizzard frenzied capitol...

Upon this great Thursday night, a small group of lowly Springfieldians decided on a social expedition...well...upon my entrance...I induced a massive coca-cola/vodka spill onto blankets, books, and a wall. This made my girlfriend not want to enjoy life at all. She stayed at home tonight. Besides her, a small group ventured to a shithole bar called Pub Springfield. We played darts, took shots, and I drove home along with a friend and her friend. We left the bar understanding we were meeting at our friend Travis' place. This friend...unfortunately...was not in my car but the other. We get to his apartment...and unbeknownst to us...the dumb bastards decide to visit Denny's for a late night, sit-down dinner...while me and a friend sit in the parking lot of his apartment. What the fuck is wrong with this picture??? Why not call and tell us to meet up?? Why leave us in the dark? What fucking planet are these people from? Coming from a sane place, I feel like I just got to Gotham City under the reign of Joker played by Nicholson. Does everyone have to be crazy in this town? I think in order to get here, you have to be. I must be nuts because I am here for at least another year and I don't know how I will get through it when dumb shit like this happens. Who leaves their friends waiting outside a locked door in the cold? Being drunk is no excuse for this type of stupidity. I already miss home. There's no place like home...There's no place like home...There's no place like home... Wishful thinking is masturbation. To end...There's no place like home...

Duality Schmality

Affirmed: Springfield is a haven for unhappy events. Take last week for example. A tornado ripped through the southwest and west portions ofthis great metropolis, damaging homes, restaurants, and unfortunately not my school. The tornado was reported in Chicago, making it actual news (quite unlike the recent incident where Percy the soybean farmer discovered two of his chickens were born with bone abnormalities). The tornado was the story of last week. The story of this week is the monster winter storm blizzards ceran-wrapping the Field with ice and snow...then dumping more snow on top. Even as I type this, 8 inches of insane snow has caked every sidewalk, car, street, and Chicagoan with another layer of psychosis to add to the crazy cake. The blizzard shows no sign of stopping. With regards to winter storms, I think Springfield just wants to be like its big brother Chicago (or Rockford).

:) At long last! Something has happened! Something has awoken this sleeping giant called Springfield, and in turn revoked my ambivalence. Last week, a relatively weak tornado scampered through the 'Field, trying to destroy classic architecture, priceless history, and the pristine quality of life. It did minor damage and became something about which the schoolchildren could jest. They began doodling mini squiggly-filled tornados on their Trapper Keepers and Five Star notebooks. A minor inconvenience, but an inconvenience nonetheless. As a reward for this great city's patience and perserverance, the god of Springfield has sent snow for the kids! Early this morning (March 21, 2am), giggling snow began its long journey from their happy home clouds to their new home with the children of Springfield. Eight inches of pure innocence has fallen thus far, making the drive to work similar to a roller coaster. I like roller coasters. The wind has been whistling at me all night and half the morning! Should I tell it I like it too? Nah...I'll pass it a note during study hall. The tornado and snowstorm have brightened my view of Springfield. I can't wait to see what happenes next!!!

Unofficial..sweet Unofficial...how I love thee... I have returned to The 'Field rejuvinated. Here's the highlight reel.

TIMES:
Thursday: 11pm - 330am
Friday: 630am - 400am
Saturday: 1230pm - 730am
Sunday: Awake at 930am

Day by Day Activities:
Thursday: Went to Brothers with Robert and my brother Jon. We drank heavily and capped the night with illegalities on the quad. When we got back to our rally point - being the Ellie, Jackie, Jean, Terry house - we woke up the entire living room full of downers sleeping on the couches. Where did I sleep --- floor.

Friday: Woke up at 630am to the downer people complaining about how my brother, Robert, and I woke their lame asses up earlier. It wasn't my fault they were dorks and decided to go to bed at 10am when much fun was had. The keg began flowing at 8am along with pancakes, eggs, and toast. From 8am until 1pm, I helped kill the keg, played drinking Jenga, took pics, noticed that every single person hated TejasChaos, etc...after which we decided to hit the bars.

H A Z I N E S S S E T S I N . . . . .

We got to Geovanti's and decided on shots and darts and beer. I don't remember leaving the bar...

PEPPERED MEMORIES: Hopping the beer garden to sneak into Legend's with Cherie...thinking the new Bar Louie on campus sucked...closing Brother's with Dan Johnson doing shots of Goldschlager at the bar while everyone else was getting kicked out and feeling like I was going to puke on the bar...I am laughing by myself right now because I don't remember anything else that didn't involve me being an asshole...so I'll skip to those...

ASSHOLE MOMENTS:
1) (this one was told to me the next day...I don't remember this) Before the Legends sneakage, Cherie and I went to Jimmy John's. I ate my sub before she even started on hers. Upon finishing, I asked her for a bite of her sandwich that she hadn't touched yet...after two massive bites, she wrapped it up and we hopped into Legends. She left her sandwich with our friends at a table and went to the bathroom. Then I ate the rest of her sandwich and denied it. Soon after, I knocked over a full beer and blamed someone else...

2) (Clarified by Marty earlier today) I met Marty Mac up at a party somewhere...my hat got stolen by some psycho lady..so I stole it back then stole hers...apparently she got annoying so I threw her hat over their balcony to random girls passing by and screamed, "Do you want a hat?" One said sure, put the hat on, and left. I told the psycho lady that I threw the hat over the balcony and I'd get it...but I left instead...

3) While at Geo's the first time (I think...our Geo-patronage scattered the day) a frat pack was singing to some lame ass music and throwing each other's hats. I got a hold of some hat and threw it behind the bar...at the time I was wearing Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, so although I was sitting at the table next to them...I really wasn't...

4) I hung up on my mom 3 times...

5) After a certain time, Murphy's starting charging insane cover (10$ for 19-21 and 5$ for 21 and up). Not buying their logic and requesting debate on the matter, I ever so gently hopped the railing separating the main bar area from those still in line. Forgetting that I had traded my invisibility cloak for shots of Goldschlager at Bar Louie, the doorman spotted me. Dressed like some douche (et. al. pastel polo, collar popped, earring, geled hair and articificially faded jeans), I felt I had a chance even though he told me to get the fuck out. I procrastinated until a steroid-induced embolism burst in his brain and he dropped to the ground. Figuring I should leave before being suspect, I tell him very politely that Murphys sucks and he should have worn a shirt that wasn't so loud. I leave...a winner in every respect...

I time travel to the Johnson's - more illegalities - time travel to the next day...
Where did I sleep --- Ty Ty's bed.

SATURDAY: Chilled all day non-alcoholically because I threw up after trying to play football. Post-3am brought some surprises...I witnessed two morons chug Maple Syrup, spray each other in the nose/eyes/mouth with hair spray, and eat magnets...I like surprises. Stayed up all night for some reason and finally crashed at 730am.
Where did I sleep --- floor.

To conclude, I love UIUC, and can't wait to get back. Until then, I'll rant about the 'Field..adios.

Capitol Perks

I almost lost it today at "work". Everyone running around at such a speed...I wish they found there's no need. Before I even got to the office where I sit and do nothing, I was accosted by hot dog distributors asking me to eat a free hot dog and wear a pin with their restaurant's logo. Do they really think passing out hot dogs will yield positive results, whatever the results they desire may have been? Do you want to know what politics entails? Ok here it is: meetings, dinners, and talking shit...those are the basics. After being there for a few months, the stench of those freeloaders feeding their pockets and working towards goals that seem obscure to them makes me sick. They could care less about what they're doing or who they're doing it for. Why should they? It won't affect them or their families. They're too busy deciding wether or not to buy that new frail Sliver phone that'll probably break after three calls, when they already have the Razor. Fuck. They call each other Brother...and Mo...and a few other dumb fucking nicknames reminiscent of early douchebaghood within Fraternitydom. I sit there all day waiting for orders that never come...which on some days I don't mind because I can do homework...but I can only feel like a piece of shit freeloader for so long. The funny thing is I actually like meeting and conversing with different people, but these jerks don't want to talk to you unless you have something they need. Who needs something from an uninformed intern? On the bright side I do get paid, I am earning credit, and I have realized that politics parallels masturbation in the sense that it self-satisfies the practictioner. Those people involved in politics don't care about a successful outcome...they need that sense of accomplishment..they need to feel like they matter...they understand that they don't amount to a cowfart in the grand scheme and they feel worthless...which they are. SO..instaed of faking sensitivities and forcing a smile...get some fucking counseling you hollow translucent bastards and never ask me to make fucking photocopies again.