The Lighter Side of Springfield

Classes. Crappy foods. Corn. Some people. Peanut Butter and Jelly.
These are the ingredients for a plate of "Springfield." Sometimes it goes down smooth with a 'Stone, but other times Joe Rogan has to motivate. The last 10 days haven't been all that bad (aside from a few sharp waves of dread and dispair). Well, to clarify, its because I left town. Friday night I visited Champaign and immersed myself in the usual debauchery. Saturday I visited Madison, WI for the first time. All Packer/Brewer/Badger fans aside, the place was amazing. It put this state capital to shame. It was clean, well organized, cultured, amass with town atmosphere. There were beautiful lakeside views, neverending bike trails winding through the city, and a Big 10 campus smack in the middle. It reminded me of a mini-Chicago. Then I got back to Springfield - the anti-capital. Its everything a capital city shouldn't be: dirty, spread out, disconnected, boring, and devoid of any pride or character. If this was my first year here, I might have had a panic attack. But instead, I'll probably do a power hour tonight and fall asleep.

Other than that, there's really nothing to report other than Marty Casey and the Lovehammer's should be taken out back, tied to a post, and bludgeoned with their own vomit-inspiring instruments. That band was the main reason for this trip (a friend had her friends back out on the concert so I was asked to act as replacement friend). I could only act for so long. wow. This band was aggressively. They hammered my love so bad I wanted to shoot Bon Jovi in the Heart. I wouldn't have wasted a bullet on any of them. I had the pleasure of meeting their electrified fron man before the show...toolbox...there were lots of Asians around and I made an engineering joke, which he didn't get. I expected more from a fellow U of I grad. Eh, I had never heard of the band before thisweekend and will never hear them again because hopefully someone ele will do the dirty work for me.

Double Dating Douchebags

As stated in my last post, Corned Beef/Mail Order Wife and Cabbage visited this weekend to attend an argumentative concert. At this concert (Goo Goo Dollls / Counting Crows), Corned Beef/M.O.W. watched the concert from the ground, while Greased Cabbage watched from 4th row center. Unfortunately sitting in 1st row center were two couples: The Mom/Son Dry Humpers and Bon Jovi/Juvenile. The Mom incessantly danced like a diseased stripper through the Goo Goo set and half the C.C. set with periods of dry humping by Son. Bon Bon and other were quiet most of the time. Well there came a point where Greased Cabbage couldnt take that shit anymore so things such as tin foil and plastic bottles began to jump from Greased hand at the Dry Humpers. Someone somewhere also called Mom a skanky bitch. Being blonde, Mom got confused and confronted Greased:

Mom: Ya know we're all trying to have a good time here!
Greased: You're not having a good time? Looks like it...
Mom: Not when someone calls me a skanky bitch!
Greased: That wasn't me, but the truth hurts honey!

(Bon Jovi himself confronts Grease)

Bon: You know you called my ex-wife a skanky bitch.
Greased: Didn't know she was your ex-wife, but that wasn't me who yelled that..
Bon: Bullshit dickhead that's my ex-wife!
Greased: You guys have been dancing around like a bunch of assholes for 2 hours blocking everyone's view!

(Bon grabs beer from hand of Greased. Greased pursues Bon to first row, grabs back beer. Cabbage follows)

Greased: Give me my fuckin' beer..Sit the fuck down and stop dancing so people can see the show!
Son: (drunk) I don't know who said skanky bitch..but..they's gettin' ass kicked.
Greased: (to Bon) Listen asshole, we're going to cheers our beers and drink like we're friends right now...got it?
(cheers...drink)
State Cop: What;s going on here?
Bystander Dad: (Pointing to Greased Cabbage) These guys are cool. (Pointing to Mom/Son Dry Humpers and Bon Jovi/Juvenile) Those people are being assholes!
Statey: (To Humpers/Bon) Okay lets go, you're gone.

(Greased Cabbage returns to seats. Crowd roars. Random man from 7th row approaches Greased and offers high five).

That was maybe the most fun I've had at a concert. I'm glad my RA wasn't there. Adios all.

August 22, 2006

I couldn't escape Springfield's gravitational pull for a second straight Fall, but its been very fulfilling thus far. Spiritually, I think this weekend has touched my soul. I have a resident advisor and resident director just aching to castrate me. Why? Well lets rehash my opening weekend events here in the Field. Unfortunately, I'm a nice boy who keeps bad company. And it just so happens my company visited this weekend for an argumentative musical event. One visitor passed out in the courtyard outside my RA's apartment on Friday. "Hi everyone! My name is Joe! I'm so happy to be here on campus! Can I drop a drunkard on your head? Wow, thanks!!!"

There was no exception Saturday, but it was me the drunkard who carried tray of Jell-O shots around campus. I wasn't aware I couldn't do that. I guess its to shelter and stunt the social growth of certain underagers. I have also recently learned that UIS is one of three participants in a brand new IL State Police pilot program targeting underage drinking. Apparently any underager caught drunk will be reprimanded, but a full scale investigation will ensue to find the person who gave them alcohol. I didn't think this campus could suck any harder, but it just became Mega Maid from Spaceballs.

ETHNIC UPDATE: curry sucks. It disgusts only those who don't have a chance to bathe in it. I'm not from India, but one of my roommates is. I think he has curry scented soap because it smells like sweaty Indian bung in my apartment when he's here. I have developed my own task force to counter his Curry Offensive. It involves surprise power hours at 11pm on random Tuesdays or Wednesdays, building a two story beerbong to do from the upper level of my apartment, and taking sour poops in the bathroom we share. Only time will crown a victor.

I haven't started my job or classes yet, but since they're destined to suck, I'll have more later.