'Field of Indians: The Attack of the Pizza Hoarders

So....it was yet another glorious day in the Field. The birds were chirping, the breeze was breaking, and the Indians . . . well . . . there are Indians here in this shitpie town. The RecCenter here on campus decided to host a bowling outing equipped with free food, soda, and . . . bowling . . . So we get to the bowling alley and it's quiet, not too many students. And then . . . like a third world tsunami...the Indians collided. On both surrounding lanes were Indians with no volume control, athletic ability, or understanding of bowling etiquette. I decided to ignore them and enjoy the Bud Light and friends. Before I know it I'm on pace to break my personal best (199). I'm in the ninth frame needing to pick up a simple 2-pin spare to secure the 200 breakage. I approach . . . deep breath . . . think of boobs for a second . . . and then out of the corner of my Red/White/Blue eye, I see a wild-eyed, nondomesticated, cow toting Indian stepping over the line on his lane and stumbling on the greasy hardwood. Distracted, I miss the spare giving me a 177 going into the tenth. Needing to turkey out for the record, I fail and decide to chug my beer instead of ordering 5 hamburgers and eating them while chanting "In Vishnu We Trust." As if this isn't enough, the free food (pizza) arrives. I flash back to early childhood...I'm watching cartoons and some ants have just stormed a picnic like fucking Normandy and covered a chicken leg..leaving nothing but the bone in their wake. I snap to and the ants have turned to Indians and they are eating all the fucking free pizza 2 or 3 slices per person. I was surprised because I don't think they were curry pizzas. In conclusion...do not bowl next to hungry Indians while trying to beat your personal best (whatever the sport may be).

Exodus

For the sake of sanity I decided to visit Urbana-Champaign over the weekend and this is what I have to report:

1) It is better than Springfield.
What I mean by this is that Springfield sucks way too much to beat U-C in a fight. U-C has an unparalleled atmosphere (to anywhere else I have been anyway).

2) Firehaus. I think it was built by aliens. I may be exaggerating a bit, but it is aesthetically superior to any bar that I can remember. It's easy to understand why it took 2 years to wrap.

3) Illini. They sucked ass against Ohio State. I won't second guess the coaching decisions or belittle the officiating, but I hope they find a cure for whatever mental illness ails them.

4) America. I love it also. The 707 party was a blast I thought. Patriotism should be the backbone of every partygoer. Although some 707 patrons were worth less than a Saigon hooker, the party was a gruesome success. I slept on a floor.

Overall, I had more fun in the last two days at U-C than I have had in 6 months in Springfield. This decision comes at the expense of my pride and dignity, but who needs those. The people in U-C are respectively just as crazy as those in Springfield, but the sane vastly outnumber the insane. I have to see the 'Field insane on a regular basis. I can only describe it as having perpetual constipation.

Field of Indians

So I have crazy Indian neighbors. They are awake right now, screaming and jumping, maybe that's their karaoke . . .
So I think I have solved the riddle of craziness in town. If you have ever seen Poltergeist, you know about the whole portal to another dimension thing. Well, what I think happened is UIS was built on top of a circus burial ground . . . specifically the 'Freaks and Mutants' section. And now the mutant ghosts are trying to take over UIS. Personally, I think they already won, but I know they have overtaken my apartment complex and made cricket the most popular sport on this side of campus. Their curry-soaked souls cannot rest until every student majors in Computer Science. I have entered the Twilight Zone, and as Tommy McCahill would say, "You'd be better off watching National Treasure."