50 REVELATIONS WHILE IN SPRINGFIELD

1. All pens should have that cool rubber grip on the end
2. Pencils suck
3. Grey t-shirts go best with blue jeans
4. Sandals are acceptable footwear in a white collar setting
5. Recycling is good, but burning things is better
6. Music piracy is acceptable
7. Someone should invent that teleportation thing used in The Fly
8. South Park is better than the Family Guy, but neither beats the Simpsons
9. The D.A.R.E. program should be replaced with a mass screening of Requiem for a Dream
10. Six-CD changers should be standard in every automobile
11. The AFC is not big brother to the Bears
12. Letterman and Leno suck
13. Root Beer Floats are the easiest and tastiest desserts to prepare
14. MTV is promulgating a cultural regression that will ultimately result in devolution and the rediscovery of loincloth and eyebrow protrusions
15. It is possible to like the Cubs and the Sox
16. A prerequisite for acceptable bars should be a dart board
17. White wine splashed with sparkling grape juice is chuggable
18. It's impossible to befriend everyone
19. Tuesday power hours are acceptable
20. I am sometimes asleep with my eyes open
21. Boredom drives people to date idiots
22. It's important to distinguish real friends from yes-men
23. It's windier after the corn is cut
24. Legislators can do Goldschlager shots
25. Interning parallels MTV
26. Professors try extra hard to be likeable in small classrooms, but fail
27. Movies and music provide the necessary escape from a life that sometimes sucks
28. Loud music is fun
29. The Foreman Grill saves me time and loves my belly
30. I love tackle football and 16 inch softball
31. Overcoming huge mistakes clarifies what you already knew
32. Potatoes and lemons explode if thrown hard enough at a door
33. University employees do not like drunken people passed out on their grass
34. University employees do not condone jello shot distribution to underage students
35. Fans of the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows sometimes pick fights
36. Foosball kicks ass...and even some girls can be decent at it...as well as darts...
37. People are suckers for genuine congeniality
38. I love Deluxe Nachos at 2am
39. Patience is a virtue, but hardly an option
40. Empty beer cans are acceptable apartment decorations
41. Incubus is unparalleled in modern rock
42. Leonardo DiCaprio and Hugh Jackman are top notch actors
43. Some people's stomachs want to fight me
44. Quarters is a worthy drinking game
45. Cheap Chicken wings I love
46. My goddaughter can say Uncle Asshole
47. Cell phones can't work when covered in snow
48. Sneaking through windows is fun
49. You can play beer pong and flippy cup on the same table at the same time
50. Wednesdays are for craziness...like tonight

NOSTALGIA

This blog was birthed through a discomfort and utter hatred for this hick ass town. It has evolved into a reactive biopic...enter some freaks of nature:

5 Chain Restaurant Lovers: Springfield is heavily peppered with chain restaurants, but blanketed with love for them. I don't get it. The food is mediocre and the menus are similar, yet Springfieldians sprint towards a scintillating Chili's and the pristine decadence of Baker's Square. It reminds me of Lemmings following each other over the edge of a fucking cliff.

4 Creepy Kind Guy: I am 23 years old. I associate with those of like mind. I feel that most 23 year olds submerged under a college atmosphere understand...jokes... They might not take everything so seriously. They may trash their manners in the presence of other like-minded fun mongers...but not here. Last Monday, my roomates and I test-ran a newly discovered bar not far from campus. Upon arrival, a classmate greets me. I introduce him to my roomates. This 23 year old introduces himself: "Hello, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." I laughed because I thought he was kidding. One roomate was wearing a shitty baseball cap with the name Hank on it (his name is not Hank), and the other a tattered Blackhawks tee. They weren't wearing suits or tuxes. I wonder what he'd be like drunk? Would he say things like, "This beer has been slightly filling, but altogether tasty and enjoyable. I would recommend this beer to friends and relatives, even though it is detrimental to physical health." I might retort with a beer spillage and say, "Shut up, you suck."

3. Foosball Spinners: anyone who spins while playing foosball. This is for girls.

2 Loudmouth Incompetent: This girl's mouth should be placed in a foster home and abused. With every breath she can muster, she tries to make a logical point. She sounds like she's having imaginary debates when she talks. She says things like, "The issue at hand is..." and "therefore..." followed by uninteresting conclusions. Example: "The issue at hand is that the car company was going bankrupt, therefore they had little money left." No shit. Was she raised by John Madden? "The team that scores the most points is the team that'll win this game." Thanks John, your repulsive love-child is annoying me.

1. HORSESHOES: Springfield boasts its orginality and innovation through its inventiopn of the Horseshoe. If unfamiliar, the horseshoe is a sandwich bun topped with random meats (bbq/buffalo chicken, beef, etc.). Then, to induce heart-halt, its douched in gross, canned cheese. They give you forks and knives, but you can drink the horseshoe just as easily. This is fucking gross and indicative of a nations's battle with obesity. When I see small children eating this crap I die inside.

WEEKEND UPDATE:

Since my weekends have started on Wednesday for the past two months...

Wednesday: Travelled with the aforementioned winners to the local hick establishment for beer. I don't know if anything fun happened because I was drunk. I ate nachos and jalapeno poppers...neither of which I paid for...yeah I guess it was uneventful and average for a Wednesday

Thursday: Skipped work and slept in. Our soccer player neighbors threw a party. They also have a foosball table set up, so my roomates and I challenged them to doubles. We beat them two games to none on their own table, stayed for a few drinks, and left. Our neighbors are cool, but their soccer friends are all douchebags (with a few exceptions of course). The party reminded me of Champaign frat parties...a bunch of guys ignoring the insanely attractive women so they can yell and scream with each other for no reason. The women were worth ignoring anyway..they just sat on the couches and said nothing. FunTown USA.

Friday: Skipped work and slept in. Thanks to one of the Springfield All-Stars I was tipped off about a crazy liquor sale at a CVS in town. My roomate Justin and I go. We buy about 25 bottles of wine (some were 3 liter jugs) and 3 bottls of gin for the low price of $45. After the windfall, I saw 'Blood Diamond' at movie theater. Loved it. Got hit in the arm by some crazy girl during every bloody action scene, so I dumped popcorn on her head (that last part was a lie).

Saturday: Spent the whole day setting up the party at our apartment. We decorated our apartment with Sparks and Keystone Light cans. Power hour to start the night: 8pm. It was interesting doing power hour with people who I have neverdone it with before. One couple showed up, sat on the couch, and barely said a word. By the time they got to 20 I was bombarded with stories, and incoherent laughter and sentence fragments. At one point, the female in that relationship went to her apartment for more beer. When she got back to my unlocked door, she tried to unlock it with the key to her car. She was drunk and shouldn't have tried to drive anywhere, especially in my sweet ass apartment. The night gets spotty after that...foosball...movie trivia...quarters...Dr. Mario...(edited for content)...asleep at 7am.

I got three hours of sleep that night, so my Sunday was shit...but I did have some kick ass omelettes. Now I'm at work on Monday (11:47 am) and I can't wait for the Bears to beat the shit out of the Rams. One thing about being so close to St. Louis is that I get to hear commercials about deep frying Lovie Smith.